Sorry for the radio silence on here for
the past couple months, but life decided to throw me for a huge loop,
and I've been trying to figure out some things and how I wanted to
talk about it. A lot of what is here I wrote soon after all of this
happened, but I wanted to keep it pretty much intact just because of
all the emotions I was feeling right after this happened. I even
debated about even putting this one up, but felt like it okay to just
put everything out there. So, here it goes...
I'm not going to lie. The past couple
months have been really rough on me. There's been a lot of tears, and
sadness, and questioning what I did wrong. I don't really have any
definitive answers, so all I've been able to come up with is that
this was supposed to happened for some reason.
If some of you don't know, I was
full-time employed for all of a hot minute. I normally don't use
phrases like that, but that's about how long I felt like it lasted. I
don't really want to get into what happened, but suffice it to say
that I was pretty much blindsided. If you want to get together I'll
talk about it, but I just don't feel like putting the whole thing out
on the internet. I cried for at least a good hour afterward, and left
me feeling terrible for about a solid week. I'm doing a little better
now, though I still have my moments where I feel a little down. I've
talked it out with my parents and a friend and came up with some
possible ideas about what really happened, but it's nothing concrete.
I can just be thankful that I at least have my name on a couple of
lists still out there, so maybe something will happen with those, and
I can keep on testing.
One of the things that frustrates me
about this so much is how much of my own money I had already spent on
not just equipment that I needed for the job, but also everything for
the academy. Literally two days prior, my mom, my sister and I had
spent the better part of the afternoon running around to area malls
and stores for last-minute academy items. I then spent Tuesday
through Friday of the new year running around the area returning
everything I could, and even then there are several items that I
couldn't return for various reasons. However I was able to return
most of it, so at least I was able to get that money back.
This may sound silly to some, but I was
really looking forward to having some money. There were a lot of
things that I was looking forward to be able to do and get, things
that I've been putting off or a while since I need to save my money
for more pressing things like gas, oil changes, application fees and
whatnot. I've got a hard-drive that's been sitting in my room for a
while since I don't have the money to get the stuff off if it. My
phone is dying or something since it will randomly restart itself and
uses up a lot of battery doing nothing, but I can't afford a new one.
It would be great to buy jeans that are the proper size, since mine
have needed a belt for about six months, but my current pair are
still in good condition. It's silly little things like not needing to
be “treated” by others at the movies, at restaurants, or even
the half-price bookstore.
This whole thing has also messed with
my appetite. When this all happened, I was so upset that I couldn't
even eat.It was honestly the first time that I've been so upset that
I had lost all my appetite. Later on in the evening, I made myself
eat some pigs in a blanket just to have something in my stomach. For
a few days afterward if someone asked what I wanted to eat, I would
just kind of shrug my shoulders since I couldn't put any effort into
thinking about eating. Since then, I've been going through both
wanting to eat my emotions and also not really wanting to eat
anything. Maybe it says something about how far I've come in my goal
to eat healthier and whatnot that I'm at least somewhat resistant to
eating my emotions.
I am going to be completely honest here
and say that my self-confidence is completely shot. I've had issues
with this over the years for various reasons, but this is something
totally on its own. I was doing so much better because I'm healthy,
in pretty darn good shape, and I actually had a police department
that wanted to hire me. They felt that I was good enough for them,
that they believed that I had what it took to be a police officer in
their town. I've put so much time and effort into this that I was so
ready for this to finally happen and not just be another college grad
without a job.
A few weeks afterward, I met with my
old internship supervisor and we talked about what happened. He must
have talked to one of my supervisors, because he seemed to have a
better idea of their reasons for letting me go. He also did say that
I did manage to impress them with a few things that I did right,
which did make me feel at least a little bit better. However, there
did seem to be some discrepancies that didn't seem to make any sense
to me, but at this point there was no point in arguing about it.
Overall I felt a little better after talking it out with him, but
still not completely satisfied. However, I don't know if I'll ever
completely understand why this had to happen.
So, that's been the major thing in my
life recently. I've had some other stuff happen, but I'll save that
for another post, which I hope to have up fairly soon.
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